Maybe it's good for everyone

That buddy of mine that i've mentioned in my last post,said that we're all buddies... It's okay... At least this case will not be too complicated... But another thing is,when I heard this for the first time,I felt a little bit down... Don't know why...

Saw C just now at school when I was going to go home after taken my report card... She didn't even take a look at me for any milisecond... At that time,I just think that,why can't we just become a friend? Can't even look at me? Feel a bit sad for this... But nevermind... I don't care about her anymore... I should not keep her things inside my heart... It's worthless...

Tonight is the Prom Night... Should I become Kar Muan's partner or just be alone? I really don't know... Can anybody tell me what should I do? I really wish to dance with that buddy... But I don't think that she'll thinking of the same thing as me... Her partner of last year's Prom Night was her ex,the outstanding guy... She still have the memories of him inside her heart... So... I should just forget it,let it go......

What should I treat Kar Muan as at tonight's Prom Night? My dancing partner? My girlfriend? Or just a normal friend? I really don't know............ I don't wanna hurt her anymore... So what should I do? I wish I could just lost my memories right now!!! Everything about love will not bothering me anymore!!!!!!

ARHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.................................................

why?

Why me? Why I always involved in something complicated? Why always me,but not anybody else? Since last Thursday,I got back to the relationship with Kar Muan... This is a secret and it'll be revealed at this Saturday's Prom Night...

A buddy of mine really makes me feel like...... I don't know what to do and... Keep on thinking of the way to solving the problem... That person treat me so good,and I...... Is it that person just treat me as a friend? I really hope so... 'Coz at least it won't makes this case to become more and more complicated... But I think it's quite stupid for me to think about this,because,it's impossible that that person will have any other feeling to me out of the friendship things... Maybe I'm just over-worried about it... The thing that makes me stop thinking about it,is that person's ex... The ex is an outstanding person... I think everyone will be attracted by that ex... Comparing everyting of me with that ex,I'm just nothing... So... I think maybe I'm really over-worried about it... That buddy of mine would not have any other special feeling towards me... Then... I think everything will be fine soon... But I really need that buddy very very much... I really hope that nothing will spoil our friendship... 'Coz that's the only person that I treat as a real buddy of an opposite gender...

I love to stay with that buddy... Very comfortable,no pressure at all,can say anything,release tension,do something special,happy or even delighted... I'll feel okay everytime I see that buddy when I'm moody... That buddy really can considered as my 'medicine of bad mood'... Haha... Weird isn't it... I couldn't thinking of my life without that buddy... I can't lost her and I also hope that this won't be happened on me......

Hiu......

I'm okay now... Stop thinking of her already... 'Coz I think it's not worth it... What should I do now? Study hard for my STPM... I'm sure at least I can get over 3.0 for my CGPA of STPM... That's my new aim now... Love matters... I don't think I need it now... I have a best friend now... Eng Mei Kuan... A special friend,Kar Muan... And the other buddies... Good care from family... I'm enough with what I have now... My life is happy now... And also,I still have this blog... When I'm in a bad mood,I can just 'write down' my feeling at here,put my bad mood at here and just leave it... Although there's nobody log into my blog,but I'll still continue blogging at here... I feel very thank you to those who read my blog... Thanks for supporting me all the time... I'm fine now... Thank You Very Much... ^-^

为什么？

我什么你们要杯葛我？我做错了吗？喜欢上一个人有罪吗？就是因为她是我girlfriend的好朋友，我就不能喜欢上她吗？我们的初恋就一定要是结婚对象的了吗？喜欢一个人，难道我能控制的吗？感觉来的时候，难道我能阻挡得到吗？分手一定是男生的错吗？你们只为嘉雯想，那有为我想过吗？你们以为我很开心吗？我很痛苦，有人懂吗？我很伤心难过，你们懂吗？我并没有追求另一个，也没有一脚踏两船，难道酱都有错吗？你们杯葛我，那有想过我的感受吗？我不能过回正常生活，你们知道吗？我很大压力你们懂吗？我很想哭你们又懂吗？我很累你们知道吗？我才19岁罢了，难道你们要我跟一个自己不喜欢的人过一生吗？我不能有选择的权利吗？我只想找一个适合自己的人，不可以吗？难道我连喜欢一个人的权利也没有吗？难道我要喜欢我想喜欢的人都不可以吗？难道我只可以喜欢特定的几个人吗？我什么都不能做了，难道你们不能让我安安乐乐地喜欢一个人吗？我已经选择了，我对她，只是暗恋，可以吗？




你们不觉得你们自己很幼稚吗？？！！

怎么办。。。

我很辛苦。。。昨晚才刚说了要忘记她，但今天又。。。

在上课的时候，我真的没什么望她，也没什么留意她了。只是在放学过后的Lower 6 Orientation,我真的不能把注意力搬离她身上。看她在那边，又不能望她，真的很难，很辛苦。。。看到她跟我自己的朋友玩，但我自己却真的真的没有可能可以酱做，真的很辛苦，很痛苦。。。只能在她看不到我的地方，偷偷望一望她。。。捱过了辛苦的几个小时后，离开学校的那一刻，简直就可以说是解脱。。。上钢琴班的时候，我根本集中不到注意力。。。。。。

我不能表白，不能告诉别人我喜欢她，不能望她，要假装根本看不到她，要当她透明，当不认识她这个人，把自己变成行尸走肉。。。。。。明知道跟她是根本没有可能的，但我还是要这样执著。。。我说我放得下，其实我根本就做不到。。。要到几时我才可以醒？？？！！！

她，给我的感觉就好像以前的美玲酱，遥不可及。我，还要挣扎，痛苦多半年。。。。。。

C......

昨晚，是我第一次梦见C...这个梦，很奇特。我只记得一些重要部份罢了。

记得有一幕，好像是学校暴动，她受伤了。我立刻跑过去看她，还非常紧张。而她对我的回应，就是没有反应。她好像不是很喜欢我似的。之后我就离开了。还有另外一幕，就是我坐上了她驾驶的车。我在车上向她表白，但她说她是不会接受我的。这个过后，又不知道发生了什么事，然后我就只记得我在醒来之前对她所说的最后一句话，就是：“你讲是因为考试才不接受我的啊，你说的啊......”。意思就好像要她说过要算数。

在现实生活里，如果她要拒绝我的话，又何止这一个原因呢？如果我没有错的话，我觉得她是那种，不会违反自然状态，就是说，是怎样都不会跟好朋友的前男友有瓜葛的人来的。就是因为这一点，我就完全没有机会了。

出现在我梦里的女生，都一定是我喜欢的。梦醒后，去到学校，整天的校园生活，我发现，我真的是喜欢上她了。我曾经说过，除了慧婷之外，我不能跟C在一起，就是我的第二个遗憾。不过，我现在，就只有一个选择，就是把感觉收在心里，因为，我跟她，是根本不会有结果的。

和嘉

2nd October 2006 - 6th June 2007